Here’s why mums of older kids are always telling you to seize the day
You don’t stop being a mother when your child grows up. This, I think, is one of the fundamental things mothers of babies don’t take into consideration when they complain about older women giving them advice, or taking any interest in their babies at all.
I’m constantly being reminded that mums of young babies do not like to be told to “seize the day”, they hate it when someone at the supermarket tell them to enjoy every minute because it all passes so quickly and they break out in hives when they hear the words “small children small problems”. Mums of babies are knee deep in nappies and they’ve forgotten what sleep looks like — it’s incomprehensible that it could ever be harder than this moment. They don’t want to hear what these old women are going on about.
I feel like I have been parenting long enough to let you in on a few home truths, maybe even explain where these “old women” are coming from.
People tell you that time flies because it really does. They are not saying this to guilt you into seizing the day or enjoying every moment with your baby, they are just reminding you of the truth. They probably miss their babies. They done’t have babies but they are still mothers.
Those old interfering women at the supermarket were once young mothers like you are. They HAVE been through what you are going through. They haven’t stopped being mothers, their children are just too old to accompany them to the shops.
That woman looking at you earnestly as you load your baby into the pram is not judging you or your parenting, she’s probably just reminiscing about a time she was able to scoop her child out of the car seat and place them in a pram. Maybe the look of judgement you see on her face is just emotion. Maybe even sadness. She’s still a mother even if she doesn’t have her children with her.
The old lady making eye contact with your toddler is probably not even that old. She’s just not spritely and wrinkle free, she’s lived a few years and raised her children and she’s wearing that time and love in the lines on her face and in the droop of her shoulders. When she tries to chat to your toddler she’s probably dreaming of a time when her child was three and every fight evaporated at night time with a sleepy cuddle and a whisper of “I love you”, she’s thinking of the screaming match that just ended when her teenager slammed the door and got into their own car and drove away. She’s not judging you, she’s not interfering with the raising of your child, maybe she just wishes she was in control like she used to be.
When an older woman asks you about your plans to return to work they may be doing so out of curiosity, they may be wanting to make themselves feel better about the decisions they made, they may just be wanting to reimagine a time in their life when those were the decisions being made. They are asking as fellow mothers not as the enemy.
Sleepless night are hell and they feel like they will never end. But they do and most mothers never forget how rough that time was. It doesn’t mean that lying awake waiting for your teenager to get home at 3am is any easier. Motherhood is not a competition.
Just because a child is no longer a baby it doesn’t mean their mother isn’t still learning and growing. Past experience does not always set you up for new phases. Each time a new milestone is reached it’s like starting from the beginning and teenagers come with a raft of milestones, I imagine adulthood even more. Even when your child is an adult you don’t stop being their mother.
Motherhood is a long gig, it’s a tough gig and while everyone should do whatever they can to support new mums, they should also consider and keep in mind the mum whose baby is now an adult. They haven’t stopped being mothers.
